WARNING, do not read if you don’t want to know my sad yet very confusing emotions.

sometimes i wonder am i too available, that’s why he like to take me for granted. am i a toy where people play with it and when they are bored they just throw it away. how can someone change so quickly and pretend like nothing ever happened. i hate myself for being so attached and i can’t do anything about it. i tried letting go so so so many times but nothing seem to work. i will always ended up falling back into the same hole. why do i have to stood so low. no matter how badly and cold he treated me, i still can’t hate him. I will always talk to him the same excitement that i always have. sometimes i really wish that he did something horrible to me that will make me hate him forever but then again it will probably break me into million pieces and i don’t want to see me like that. is it stupid to want him to continue leave me hanging rather than being honest to me? i hate myself so much.